(Not All) Kittens & Moonbeams

Words from the Pulpit of High Priestess Plasma Tigerlily Zoya (Email me.)

July 28, 2007: Whacked-out Ways

Numm works in some whacked-out ways. Sometimes Numm's plan for you is different from what He let you expect. Sometimes, for instance, you go get fixed and then two years later you come indoors and some kitten says you're her new Mommy. That's the kind of whacked-out stuff.

Look here:

Kitten Eyes. by Joseph Howse. Portraying Sanibel Delphinium Andromeda. July 26, 2007.

Her name is Sanibel Delphinium Andromeda, Orace of the Numm. She seems kind of blissfully ignorant for an Oracle, if you ask me, but I guess everybody has to grow into the role Numm gives.

Don't get me wrong: she's got the brains; I'm just not always sure what's on them. I mean, when she gets served food, sometimes she just scratches the ground. What's with that? Fecal obsession? Mouthing off to our waiters? What?

She purrs when the primates cuddle her. Sheesh.

She follows me around. That's kinda cute.

I wanted her first new word in the house to be the same as mine was. You know—H-I-S-S. Mommy had to give up on that little hope. No matter how many times I repeated it she just wouldn't say it back. She must be more of the passive-aggressive type. I can respect that.

Sanibel will be publishing her e-prophesies as soon as I feel she's ready. Spiritually, she has so much to learn and Mommy is proud to be her instructor. Next time, if you lot be good, I'll share our lessons with you. Otherwise you'll grow up in an inner void.

Till next time, then, keep Nummist family values alive in your heart and hearth.

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May 24, 2007: Numm is Testing You

Study up: Numm is testing you big-time! The only bird course will be for dinner. The only scaling will be of fish, not grades.

Every primate among you has the potential to become an outstanding servant; Numm wants to help you achieve this potential—but you have to work your tail hair off for it too.

Every feline among you could have her/his own celestial portfolio — if she/he keeps her/himself in line. No hissy-business! The Prophet Numm Numm was always extremely diplomatic (even when His intentions were covetous or lewd). There's no excuse for rudeness.

This past year has been one of outstanding achievement for Nummism and me personally. Evangelical teams have visited Paris (France), Rochester (Minnesota) and Bangor (Maine). I have dictated e-epistles to Mexico. Our online readership also extends to Israel, the Netherlands, India and beyond.

Here, we arrive upon the cusp of an astounding revelation. Even amid such monumental evidence of my prowess in spiritual leadership, Numm is testing me too. At times, the shed-fur pace of our proselytical progress has necessitated changes to my keepers' and my household routine. Two-week absences of multiple keepers have not been unheard of!

I believe you will agree that if Numm is testing even me, it's more than fair that He should test you too. Stay prepped! Attend my sermons and, if you still can't hack it, request an e-epistle for extra help.

On another matter, one of the faithful has asked (1) whether Nummism has any position on taxation and (2) whether I'm in favour of rendering unto Caesar. I will address each question separately. (1) Yes, my position on taxation is illustrated below. (2) I really need more information. Has Caesar been tested for mad cow?

Class dismissed—for now!

Paying Bills. by Joseph Howse. Portraying Plasma Tigerlily Zoya. March 7, 2007.

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January 23, 2006: Live and Learn

Maybe you have to live and learn. On the other hand, if you let others do the learning for you, maybe you'll live even longer.

Friends, do you know about my favourite hawthorn bush? We call it the Hawthorn of the Numm because it sprang up where Dr. L. S. River, NummNumm, liked to rest his tail.

Tragedy struck whilst I chewed my favourite hawthorn on Thursday morning. An icky feeling stuck to the roof of my mouth. My attendants were dawdling nearby and, albeit that they had miserably failed to prevent the ickiness, they were swift to notice its effects.

Before I foresaw what was in store, the Cage appeared and I was in it. As I was chauffeured to the private clinic, my whole life flashed (actually, it had sequins) before my luscious eyes. I realized how I yearned to grow—not only professionally, as I had done, but also personally, as I was yet to do! O to eat Senior diet without having to steal it! O to have kittens, especially boys, for me to boss around!

Once in the clinic, my handlers asked me to keep my mouth still until I was told to open it. I took offense. However, let me say I was very satisfied with my wait weight time in the clinic compared, for example, to my weight time for meals.

Hugh (my doctor, with whom I guess I'm on first name terms because he calls me Plasma)—he came into the exam room and pulled something out of my mouth while Gina (who also does great pedicures) held me still. Everybody seemed happy that something got pulled out of my mouth. Magic is cool, I admit. Anyway, the ickiness went away after that.

Thanks, Hugh. I guess I shouldn't have hissed but, hey, you're used to it in your line of work.

We headed home and my life did the sequin dance again and suddenly I was out of the Cage and I wanted to see my favourite hawthorne but when somebody finally let me out, the Numm had already disappeared it—His hawthorne, I mean. Now there's another one just like it outside my enclosure. I've got no idea why He made one spring up there.

I'm pretty sure mystery is part of His game plan.

[Editor's note: The High Priestess now chews forsythia boughs instead.]

Chewy Forsythia. by Joseph Howse. Portraying Plasma Tigerlily Zoya. March 30, 2006.

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December 25, 2005: Keep our Wits

They say we should keep our wits about us, yet wouldn't it be wiser to keep most of them in interest-bearing securities?

My second Nummness Day has come and gone. I received some audio books, which are really nice to hear; of course, hearing me is nice for everyone else. Beyond that, my gift to the Howse keepers was to initiate some outdoor exercise. We've been playing in the snow.

Snowballs are fun to chase as long as primates and felines are both very careful. Be safe because being sorry stinks.

Tell me, regardless, are you suffering from post-Nummness depression? Maybe you've got no snow and have to chase spitballs instead? Drop me an email and I can explain why Numm has left you out in the proverbial cold for now. Before you hit the Send button, bear in mind that Numm does like the cold, proverbial or otherwise. Only after you get chilly can someone warm you up.

For the New Year, consider giving someone the gift of converting her/him to Nummism.

Ask nicely. That's what Dr. L. S. River would do.

Chilly Paw. by Joseph Howse. Portraying Plasma Tigerlily Zoya. December 25, 2005.

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December 13, 2005: The Extra Large is the Message

Do you believe the medium is the message? I don't. I believe the extra large is the message and the medium is more like duckweed.

You are beholden to me, so you should behold me (but nobody should be holding me):

Grandeur. by Joseph Howse. Portraying Plasma Tigerlily Zoya. August 3, 2005.

Dr. L. S. River, NummNumm, found me on the World Wide Web. He had me adopted and proclaimed me the winner of the Nummist Homelands' Next High Priest(ess) search. Despite the fact I was five weeks old when I found out I'd be the world's most important woman, I haven't let it change who I am.

To the kittens, I'd like to say, don't do catnip. That's not what the "High" in "High Priestess" is about. Also, learn to love the body you've got because you'll spend ages washing it.

I'm aware that many of my readers go outdoors—without an enclosure. That's okay: just because Numm has passed you by for the safe jobs, doesn't mean He doesn't care. Do you need some guidance as to why the outdoors is part of the path Numm has chosen for you? Drop me an email, okay?

(Here, I paused pawsed from writing because I saw my chance to sniff an open bag of garbage. I got chased, I clawed Uncle Joe, and afterward we played with my paintbrush. I'm an artist.)

Do you know what my dream is? I dream of controlling the world food supply and ensuring justice that way. Failing that, I have to carry out Numm's work by looking cute and persuading people just so. Doing it just so really eats into my time. Okay, did you ever pawse to consider how slow photography is in cat time? No, you didn't.

Here's another portrait of me to inspire the proletariat and the bourgeois intelligentsia alike. Bye for now...!

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