On Nummist Paradise

Revealed to Joseph Howse—Jul 19, 2006

1: Structural Overview

I have asked the Numm to grant me insight into Nummist Paradise, and He has done so matter-of-factly. I cannot chart it here exactly because the Paradise Compound has an uncountably infinite number of rooms and the Paradise Outdoors is infinitely and uncountably expansive. There is only one Paradise Compound and only one Paradise Outdoors. The Outdoors encircles the Compound.

Paradise Outdoors is perpetually covered in new-fallen snow, except where this blanket is pierced by high mountains, hot geysers and boreal forests. All other climates imaginable—that is, excluding Paradise Outdoors and Paradise Compound—are fostered under unique crystal domes inside the Compound. Each dome, uncountably infinite in diameter, is equipped with virtual reality enhancements.

Washer-dryers run perpetually in Paradise Compound, such that hot laundry piles are always available for the enjoyment of felines. These laundry piles are distributed across innumerable beds and sofas, which glow from the light of innumerable lamps and stained glass windows. The Numm himself takes naps herein.

For primates, office/studio/workshop space, as well as closet space, is amply provided. Many primates may become acclimatized to sleeping in the closet or under the dynamic virtual cosmos of the crystal domes; however, the best of primates are also suitable as additional warmers for the felines in the laundry piles.

The purpose of existence in Nummist Paradise is for primates to create, for felines to contemplate, and for primates and felines alike to find the climate conditions best suited to their changeable individual needs. Transition among climates is eased by innumerable innovations, such as towel racks of uncountably infinite length for drying oneself or one's feline when coming in from Paradise Outdoors. The Numm himself is pleased to be dried when he makes His frequent reentries. Uncountably infinite arrays of fans—of both the ceiling and standalone varieties—line the corridors of uncountably infinite length, leading to the thermal springs of uncountably infinite hot-water volume, which power the machines of the Paradise Compound indefinitely.

The Numm has promised that when I reach Paradise Compound I may hang or post my work on the walls for His consideration. Such are the immeasurably infinite honours I hope to share with other primates who dutifully follow the ways of the Numm.

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Cat Herding. by Joseph Howse. 2004.

2: Admissions Process

Dame Precious Puss-Puss Paws is the Admissions Officer and Registrar for Nummist Paradise. The Numm has elected to delegate these special responsibilities to her because of her singular wisdom and compassion. From one look in the eyes, she can know the soul of any person. Then she gives directions accordingly.

"I don't always have the patience for that kind of thing," the Numm remarked to me, "but she seems to like it." He added, "I'm cat enough to ask for assistance."

For souls that would be better placed elsewhere, Dame Paws is quite willing to say where to go. Alternative afterlife destinations are not covered here because they are of no consequence to Nummists. On the other hand, given the imperative of furthering the temporal Nummist cause, the Numm reserves the right to reincarnate any Nummists, either before or after admission to Nummist Paradise.

As for the souls admitted to Nummist Paradise, they are usually unkempt and hungry when they arrive. They are first escorted to the hot springs, where they may steam-bathe and lick, or water-bathe and scrub, as per their preference. Primates receive beige and white furry robes. Next, drying on the way past the fans, everyone is taken to picnics in the crystal domes. The arrivals' menu typically consists of rice, olives, mint leaves, mineral water, chew-toys and fish- or chicken-flavoured vitamin/mineral supplements. For felines, this meal is pre-ground; primates must chew for themselves.

During the picnic, the newcomers are reunited with any friends and relations who have preceded them to Nummist Paradise. Dame Paws continues to officiate for the reunions, which require the utmost in coordination. A keynote address is delivered by the Numm, revealing the secrets of eternity. These secrets are uncountably infinite, such that the speech is never repetitious, even for those who have heard it before.

After the keynote address, the newcomers are escorted away to select rooms and furniture for their lifestyle and productivity needs. As soon as this is done, they begin the creation (for primates) or contemplation (for felines) of great Nummist works.

Once newcomers are settled with their chosen accommodations and occupations, there comes time to explore the uncountable infinity of Paradise Compound and Paradise Outdoors. Exploration can be enjoyed individually, in family or peer groups, or by attempting to follow Dame Paws or the Numm wherever they go.

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3: Wellness & Lifestyle

All residents are well in Nummist Paradise, yet many want to see evidence that they are well. To this end, painless tests are available for every medical indicator, and the results always fall within the low-normal to high-normal range.

Dame Paws likes to have her heartbeat checked by stethescope. The Numm, for himself, wants no "monkey quackery".

Cuisine does not preoccupy most Nummists in Paradise. Life experience has led many to weary of food's vaunted "decadence". Besides, species-specific criteria for admission to Nummist Paradise create weak factor conditions for culinary industries. Artificially flavoured, lifelike chew-toys are much preferred to actual feasting.

Oral hygiene is superb in Nummist Paradise. A secret mouthwash, available in either mint or fish flavour, wards off every breed of decay or halitosis. Moreover, there are no side effects, even for those who swallow it!

(Warning! Mouthwash in the mortal world is not like mouthwash in Nummist Paradise. Use your mouthwash only as directed.)

Dame Paws prefers the mint mouthwash, and swallows. The Numm prefers the fish mouthwash, and spits.

Exercise in Nummist Paradise can be as simple as soaking in the hot springs or as complex as hauling pine logs across an artificial desert. Every routine works as well as it needs to.

Numm in body.

Numm in mind.

Numm in soul.

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4: Great Locomotion

A "Great Locomotive" (there being no other word to name it) serves the most advanced mobility needs of Nummists in Paradise. This ingenious engine burrows so swiftly through the permafrost of Paradise Outdoors that any primate or feline standing above barely feels the earth surge before it settles and congeals again. The Great Locomotive is equally unimpeded by crevasses, across which it hurtles to continue into the permafrost on the other side.

The interior of the Great Locomotive is furnished with eminently plushy yet supportive seats, some facing forward and others facing backward. Either way, the view features copious amounts of flying permafrost. Some primate passengers amuse themselves by attempting to count the uncountably infinite number of crevasses that interrupt the view of the permafrost.

Dining compartments, sleeping compartments and sunlamp compartments are provided to the highest standard on the Great Locomotive. All compartments are created equal; however, felines have the first choice of compartments.

The Great Locomotive can make stops anywhere in Paradise Outdoors by propelling an elevator shaft up through the frozen crust. Beforehand, the relevant area of earth is slowly lifted on an air cushion in order to ensure the safety of any Nummist standing above. Even the mountaintops are within reach for this splendid elevator shaft, making it ideal for the unathletic sightseer. Moreover, the rapidity of the entire locomotive contraption enables one to chase solar and atmospheric features such as sunsets of interesting colour and clouds of interesting shape.

Within Paradise Compound, the Great Locomotive makes scheduled stops along pre-bored tunnels and shafts. Many primates even use this network for jaunts between the closet and the workplace. The sleeping compartments of the Great Locomotive are prefered to the closets by some. "Soothing locomotive action" is cited as one of the reasons.

So comfortable is the Great Locomotive that Dame Paws, too, rides it for pleasure. She holds quiet mint tea parties in her dining compartment, which is just small enough to be filled with the mint fumes. I have received an invitation to each of her mint tea parties forever and ever, and I intend to accept as often as Numm's work allows (or more).

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5: Prayer Answering Service

After disembarking from the Great Locomotive, my mind was in inertia of motion and I blurted out to Numm that next in the tour He had to show me how He received and answered prayers in Nummist Paradise. He led me to His study (which I shall describe hereafter), jumped up on the desk and told me to read the gilded paper which lay beneath His tail. Breathlessly, I uttered what it said:

"Although I do accept unagented supplications, please know that few can be answered before becoming moot. Time scale differences between Nummist Paradise and the supplicator's plane of domicile may make it difficult to effectuate and post-evaluate interventive measures in an arbitrary manner, so an element of stochasticity enters into the process."

Here, I halted my reading, pointed to the word "stochasticity" and asked not without surprise whether Numm played dice. "Everybody likes dice," he replied, and bid me read the rest:

"The best way to supplicate Me is to first seek an agent who is familiar with the workings of Nummist Paradise. Such an agent can better judge when an alignment of scale, velocity and probability will allow for an opening in the supplication market. Of course, not being Me, agents may be fallible.

"I reserve the right to ignore any supplication that is contrary to the dictates of the Nummist Cause.

"Do endeavour to make your supplication free of errors, whether in spelling (for written supplications) or pronunciation (for verbal supplications). Numm rhymes with plum, not with plume.

"Finally, should you receive an untimely reply or no apparent reply to your supplication, don't be discouraged. Presumably, many fine supplications get garbled en route to Me because I haven't been receiving as many as I should. Don't give up and don't let the bandwidth get empty because if it does my Tech-monkey Angels are really inefficient and I'd have to reassign some to more productive roles. Please don't force the Tech-monkey Angels to go for retraining.

"Written supplications may be directed to My email account. My reply won't necessarily come back by email but you'll know it if you see it. (Just beware false positives, since you won't know it if you see something else instead.)"

Here, the gilded paper ended and He flicked His tail to move it far away. I stared long into His keen green eyes before I managed to inquire whether He could recommend any particular agent to me.

"Silly-brains," scoffed He, "don't you know any primate who is familiar with the workings of Nummist Paradise?" I began to shake my head, yet into it entered an inkling of an extraordinary idea. He made it known to me that I would be qualified to work as an agent of supplications, if I so chose.

"Let me show you the rest of the study," said He, not pressing the matter further. The room was indeed impressive and worthy of its prominent place in the tour. Lined with bookcases, the study's length was such that primates' eyes could not see from one dim end to the other. The floor was strewn with newspapers, some of which had hot water bottles tucked between the sheets. Countless rafters stretched overhead. "The Old Girl likes to pace up there," said He, referring (as I knew) to Dame Puss-Puss Paws. "Rather distracting to me, but there you go. Mustn't grumble." We walked that bookish hall once more, then carried on.

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6: The Commanding Heights

"Let Me show you the Commanding Heights," said He. I asked whether He meant steel, energy and the-other-one-I-couldn't-remember. For some time, He stared before muttering, "Have you been forced to listen to some stupid, goatee-growing monkey?" Proceeding, He pointed to the Heights with His tail.

So sacred and secret are the Commanding Heights that even here I may not report the exact route we took to them. A pyramid, pagoda and mountaintop were involved. Once we stood on the Commanding Heights and looked down on such lesser features, I remarked, "I hadn't realized how squat and stubby they actually were."

"No," He replied, "exactly."

The Commanding Heights constitute the Third Partition of Nummist Paradise. They are above both Paradise Compound and Paradise Outdoors and are likewise uncountably infinite in extent. The air, unlike in ordinary high places, is incomparably dense, with the effect that anyone or anything may float, once up there.

I wondered how the air that was incomparably dense could stay above the rest of Nummist Paradise. "Do you not see?" the Numm questioned me in His most professorial manner, as He was Dr. L. S. River. "Do you not see how existences are as bubbles in heavy seas? Thus the waves are the Commanding Heights, dragging and crashing on bubblies below. Water is creepy, if you had the sense to know it."

"But it's air," I murmured.

"Let's get down from here," quoth He.

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7: The Veriscope

Numm led the way back to one of Paradise Compound's marbly doorsteps, whereupon He stood stalk still. "You go on ahead," He bid me, nodding upward in the direction of the shiny brass door. Believing He was politely intimating His desire for me to hold the door, I hauled it open and curbed my back against its spring-loaded weight. Dr. L. S. River nodded again. "No, really, go on ahead."

"But how will I know where to go?" I wondered.

"Stick to the right path. There's only one."

"But are you sure I'll know which path is the right one?"

The Numm quizzled over the matter in silence. "Well," He concluded, "if not, walk backwards and it will be on the left."

"I see." I had already backstepped into the corridor and let the door begin to swing before it occured to me to ask, "What am I headed off to do?"

"Oh, to set it up!" That was the last I heard before the door came between us in an astounding burst of shininess, din and squeezed air.

There was nothing for it but to continue walking backwards. As I did so, my footsteps echoed behind. The sound seemed to gush away like water up the length of the sloping floor, which was also sheathed in brass. I craned my neck to watch for the right path on the left. Then I noticed that the ceiling was mirrored, so I began to navigate by that means instead, until I realized with the deepest horror that the left and right were reversed in the mirror. Turning and walking forward, I continued watching for the right path in the mirror's left side.

I overstepped the junction for the right path just slightly. After stepping back, I followed it without further event.

The hall ended in another brass door, which I drew open despite the might of its springs. A jumble of glass and brass objects lay in the dusty light inside. Presently, I perceived I was amid the components of an optical device—most likely the very instrument He had invoked me to set up! Lest His confidence in me had been too great, I began searching for instructions. However, the only papers I found, in an eroded cardboard box in the corner of the chamber, were clawed, scattered and stirred beyond recognition. An anxious sigh escaped my lips.

A deal of experimentation was in store, I saw, and—whether I was the experimentor, the subject or both—an inventory of the apparati would surely shed the first light on my fate. I counted the lens elements—225—and sorted them from smallest—roughly 8mm in diameter—to largest—roughly 4m. Similarly, I arranged the brass screws, washers, tubes and doodads.

Patience and Faith were the only allies I needed from there.

By and by, I heard scratching on the door and I opened it to Dr. L. S. River. "I had to go check on some shrubs," He explained. "Thirsty work, you know, but Paradise isn't for slackers."

From my dusty gorge, I gasped, "I've finished the..."

"Oh, the Veriscope! Well...!"

"Well... what?" asked I, hopefully not without due deference.

"Oh, well, nothing. Perfect! I didn't really need the litter box set up right now anyway, so ... perfect! Good man!"

"This wasn't what you wanted set up?" I gasped.

Dr. L. S. River said nothing as He studied His back, then His paws. Finally, He offered, "You should look into it—the Veriscope, that is."

"The wall's in the way," I feared.

"That would depend entirely," Numm replied, "on how you conceive of 'the way'." I nodded as I inched my blinking eye forward.

Then, what should my wondering retina detect but an opulent stove and simmering beef-steak? I pulled my eye back, exchanged glances with the Numm (who had started smacking His jaws) and quickly returned to the view.

"You should pan around and zoom," Dr. L. S. River suggested as the beef-steak continued to simmer away.

Without glancing away from the scene, I flung my arms around the lens barrel to haul it to and fro and spin its zoom ring. I was rewarded with an image of bread—crusty on the outside, pillowy within—being sliced by an uncannily familiar hand.

"The continuous autofocus is really zippy," I remarked.

"Yes, well," He replied, "it's not really auto; it's controlled by the subconscious mind."

"Yours or mine?" I questioned. The focus darted after an aimless fruit fly, until it mysteriously fell from the air.

"A little of both—if I want it to be."

We discussed matters further and He made it known to me that the Veriscope looked into the mortal world, yet not necessarily as mortals perceived it. "This is how we'll watch you, the Old Girl and I," He noted.

A short while later, we agreed I should go see more of Paradise.

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8: The Dynamism of Nummist Paradise

"Our next to last stop is the drain pipes," said Numm, with ever greater deliberation creeping into His voice. "Pay attention: they have great significance for the future of your earthly world."

We followed the hallways down to such depths that frost lined the walls like an ice cream tub. All the way, I digested His ominous words as uncomfortably as if they were green tomatos.

"You can see them here," Dr. L. S. River indicated with an upward nod of his chin. The pipes poked out from the ceiling and, over considerable distance, zigzagged to the floor. "Go on: feel them," said He.

I hesitated, then obeyed, then leapt back as my hand went tingly in the extreme. "See? They radiate dynamism," Numm explained. "That's what fuels Paradise—but our dynamism here has to be very high grade, so once it's partially depleted it gets flushed down to your earthly world."

"O wondrous!" I cried. "Does this dynamism mean that Paradise, too, is changing?"

"That's up to Me. Yes, though: someday I might upgrade the Great Locomotive or even melt the snow. Herefor, your earthly bigwigs, bright lights and luminaries will never catch up to Me. At best, they may catch the runoff from Paradise."

We re-ascended the halls.

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9: The Nummist Cause, and Departure

"Well, I hate to see you go," Numm sighed. "We, cats, do, you know, hate goodbyes, even when you'll be back with presents." He licked His lips—an indeterminate gesture of sublime proportions. "Well, let me get the Old Girl. She'll see you off." With that, He and I parted ways amid an arbour and daffodil beds.

He came back almost instantly to add, "I'll be voicing to you as plainly as I can. There're an awful lot of kinks in the celestial circuitry. We'll get you-know-who to work them out someday."

He paused, stared, then said, "But this has ulteriority: to the Nummist Cause be true. Discover that in which you shall discover Numm. Beautify that in which you shall beautify Numm. Love that in which you shall love Numm. Ruffle not that in which you may ruffle Numm, no!" He stared again. "You got that?"

"Yes—most definitely!" I replied.

"Alright, I'm off to fetch her."

By and by, Dame Paws appeared along the pathway leading to the arbour. A number of croquet wickets were set into the adjoining field of short-chewn grass. She strayed off among them to stride under one, then another, then stretch her right hind leg, then return under the previous wicket, then stretch again (this time her hind left leg), then proceed another two wickets' distance, and so she came to come to me.

"There's turbulence amid the elms," said she. I looked around, and there were high elms, and amid them was such seething and whooshing of air as any would call turbulent.

"As I was mentioning," she whispered, "there is turbulence amid the elms. Hear in it what you will. You may perhaps call it the sound of beaded curtains parting. One side is shadowy, the other bright, but one is never far from the other. Look behind!"

I did, and was back in the enclosed garden of the earthly Nummist Headquarters, with High Priestess Plasma Tigerliy Zoya and Leo Lazy Lion, of an evening.

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Sequel: The So Space-filling Curves of Nummist Paradise